And it really meant so the September 2010. Now back from GuruPoornima, i was once again in the cycle of pain and not able to eat, blockage seemed to be complete in my colon. So on the 7th of Sept, after chemo I got admitted to the hospital to see what best to be done. I was on IV once again with no food or water. My abdomen was completely bloated and nothing would get out, then came the weekend and Alma visited me. Every night at the hospital I experienced pain in my physical body and every moment I accepted it with a smile. The pain would vanish into the being of nothingness and I would fall asleep like a baby. That weekend I finally decided to accept the other fact that i needed a colostomy. Mark fry called and he was the link sending the details of my state to Guruji, Swamijee's and everyone.
The fun part in all these was that, with the IV fluid and nearly 10 days of fasting I was glowing, ha! ha!. Although on the 12th of Sept. I declared that I am ready for the surgery but it wouldnot happen so soon. The grumbling and rumbling sound in my belly was so strong that patients from the other rooms could hear it. Every moment of my physical awareness was painful but every moment of accepting it and surrendering brought that bliss and peace which nothing could shake up.
On my declaration of getting ready for surgery my resident doctor Julie was very happy but then the surgery department delayed even to come and see me till 3 more days. Then the surgical resident came on the 4th day...Thursday morning... and declared it won't happen till the next monday. I was in pain, I was irritated for a couple of hours and then once again I just felt a wave of bliss with acceptance of the fact that GURUJI is taking care and let it be as it is. It may be 10 min after this wave that the surgeon came and told that I was going to be operated the very next morning. Once again acceptance and surrender played its role when desires get fulfilled and miracles happen.
The whole journey since the last few months had been repeatedly of acceptance and surrender bringing me to bliss again and again.
The surgery was done and I did a penguin dance that very night when the nurse asked me to stand up (as a part of post surgery exercise), everyone in the room broke to huge laughter. As days followed I got more and more steady and on monday evening I was released, free to come back home, where there was another challenge waiting....dealing with the pain, food and taking care of myself on my own. But then everything was arranged by GURUJI's grace. In the next posting I will take you through that part of the journey.
Till then....wish you love, peace and joy,
Jai Gurudev
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Now I was back from Gurupoornima
The grace and calmness almost never left me except for moments when I was in severe pain. It was August 7th and once again I was back in the ER but this time I was able to come out pretty soon. With my chemo rounds still on, once every week for three weeks and one week break, I was getting weak physically, as I was unable to eat. Food that I loved to cook, feed and eat became a horror for me but within nothing was changing. Times of pain, I immersed in deep prayers and gratitude. There was no complain but yes discomfort at the physical level. After two weeks viola! once again I was back in the hospital, this time they shifted me to a proper bed out of the ER on the 8th floor. It was one of my longest stay and in a way a nice one. I know I was in pain then how come it was a nice one....so it goes thus. I never lost my smile and keeping my other roommates busy with laughter and yes all the three were much much elderly ladies.
We had planned for a satsang on the 29th of August, the first in Sherbrooke after I came here. In the hospital, people kept visiting me...David brought me the best gift.."Shiv Shutras" which became an integral part of me. I was very well equipped with my computer, ipod, DVD's...so nothing was missing. But then while others had doubt about the satsang, I was very sure of if...it was not "I" but something greater and my speech was.."even if I can't be there the satsang will happen". But viola! on the 27th of August I was discharged..( that is how GURU works..amazing)...rested on the 27th, made phone calls on the 28th and on 29th we had nearly 27-28 people for the satsang. It was great. During my time in the hospital bed, I used to plan out things using my ipod touch notebook and calender, then when Catherine used to visit me we made a final plan for all the activities to be happening in the Autumn session.
The satsang was GREAT!...and in all I felt only one thing that it all happened...nothing was done...I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....
So that is the GURU's grace which flowed in the month of August...
As I write my whole self is just rejoicing with gratitude and love....
Will come back in soon......
We had planned for a satsang on the 29th of August, the first in Sherbrooke after I came here. In the hospital, people kept visiting me...David brought me the best gift.."Shiv Shutras" which became an integral part of me. I was very well equipped with my computer, ipod, DVD's...so nothing was missing. But then while others had doubt about the satsang, I was very sure of if...it was not "I" but something greater and my speech was.."even if I can't be there the satsang will happen". But viola! on the 27th of August I was discharged..( that is how GURU works..amazing)...rested on the 27th, made phone calls on the 28th and on 29th we had nearly 27-28 people for the satsang. It was great. During my time in the hospital bed, I used to plan out things using my ipod touch notebook and calender, then when Catherine used to visit me we made a final plan for all the activities to be happening in the Autumn session.
The satsang was GREAT!...and in all I felt only one thing that it all happened...nothing was done...I did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....
So that is the GURU's grace which flowed in the month of August...
As I write my whole self is just rejoicing with gratitude and love....
Will come back in soon......
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Delay with a sour-sweeet turn
I m back though late and to my readers I will take your permission to deviate a little from my last post. I know, I did not complete it which I promise I will but a very interesting turn happened which I will like to share with you. An experience which took a huge turn towards something really BIG.
The summer of 2010 has been a real adventure...how? My research work in a science lab for which I am paid took a back seat with my drive being mostly towards the direction of the hospital to meet doctors. Frustrated?? Yes I was! but it was momentary... but then smile from inside made me smile pretty soon to forget all frustrations. First week of July, rushed in midnight to the emergency..reason being uncontrollable pain and throwing up..couldnot sit upright. It was bad, and then was in the emergency...bowel obstruction due to one of my tumors pressing my colon. well so in emergency the scene was pretty horrifying for me....and my experience with no water given to drink, was not easy. The first 12 hours was painful, then I got up sat down on my bed, closed my eyes and started meditating, forgot my pains and the word that floated before me was 'Acceptance', the beauty of it I just started experiencing. Then by the next day evening I was discharged and came back home, jolly and happy. Wow...what a night I told myself, sitting infront of my altar, I easily slipped into a meditation of gratitude. Started eating but with care, can you imagine eating food that has no or minimum fibre...wow.
I was so glad...reason!! I was to go to the ashram the very next day for the Blessings course with Swami Pragyapadji and all I was praying for in those little more than 24 hrs at the emergency was, I want to go for the course. But how do I go....as commuting from Sherbrooke to St. Mathieu du Parc is not very convenient specially for one like me who doesnot drive. There again my prayer was answered....Anna was my angel this time...I went to Montreal and then Anna drove me to the ashram that evening and then driving back early morning the very next day to go to her work. Yes she was my Saarthi...and as I progress you will see that she has been so again and again..
I was there doing my Blessings course and viola...one cannot ask for anything more as this course I call is the "Zenith of ones search for ones self". I returned just filled with BLISS.
Time was running, I was on and off in pain, mostly dwelling on liquid food. bad bad bad...as I am a foodie...:)...and love to cook as well.
The next event was Guruji's visit to the ashram and I knew I will be there, once again in bliss. Back after that filled with HIS love and the feeling of gratitude there was something which shifted...I got caught in my physical self once again...the pain returned, my chemo was not working, fear crept in (fear as i experienced it 100% was rooted in the worry about the future)..I was mess at one moment and the next moment I could feel meditating at times with open eyes. It was something happening which I didnot take any notice of. Once again in the last week just 3 days before I was to travel to Hartford for Gurupoornima I was admitted in hospital, and this time again, all my mind was filled with was I will go to the Gurupoornima. The night before we were to drive, my angels arrived from montreal, they stayed at my home while I was lying flat with all IV's in the emergency. But at night past midnight I was released...and my labmate -Marie-eve, who always takes care of me, drove me to my home and yuppie there I was traveling the next morning with my angels to Hartford.
At Hartford just being in the presence of my Guru, my guide, my everything, I was back in bliss amidst the time to time pain. I had to get injections...which I carried with me and there it was...Bhartiji, Louise was always there to give it to me. Once again I experience the Grace as always. It was the most amazing time. During the GuruPuja I experience the Gratitude in such bounty that every cell of my body was chanting "Gurur Brahma...Gurur Vishnu....". It was some experience....amazing, wonderful.... AND YES....THIS WAS MY FIRST EVERY GURU-POORNIMA IN THE PHYSICAL PRESENCE OF MY GURU... :)
With this the eventful month of July came to an end. It was a journey of Grace, Gratitude and Bliss I experienced through my physical discomfort. When I saw Mausumi from the point of not being her, I saw her smiling and happy almost every moment. I use almost as there were times when my physical discomfort did take over even though for those moments became smaller and smaller with every passing moments.
The GRACE of my Guru carries me through...and tears of gratitude runs down my cheek at every thought of my love..my GURU...
To be continued......
The summer of 2010 has been a real adventure...how? My research work in a science lab for which I am paid took a back seat with my drive being mostly towards the direction of the hospital to meet doctors. Frustrated?? Yes I was! but it was momentary... but then smile from inside made me smile pretty soon to forget all frustrations. First week of July, rushed in midnight to the emergency..reason being uncontrollable pain and throwing up..couldnot sit upright. It was bad, and then was in the emergency...bowel obstruction due to one of my tumors pressing my colon. well so in emergency the scene was pretty horrifying for me....and my experience with no water given to drink, was not easy. The first 12 hours was painful, then I got up sat down on my bed, closed my eyes and started meditating, forgot my pains and the word that floated before me was 'Acceptance', the beauty of it I just started experiencing. Then by the next day evening I was discharged and came back home, jolly and happy. Wow...what a night I told myself, sitting infront of my altar, I easily slipped into a meditation of gratitude. Started eating but with care, can you imagine eating food that has no or minimum fibre...wow.
I was so glad...reason!! I was to go to the ashram the very next day for the Blessings course with Swami Pragyapadji and all I was praying for in those little more than 24 hrs at the emergency was, I want to go for the course. But how do I go....as commuting from Sherbrooke to St. Mathieu du Parc is not very convenient specially for one like me who doesnot drive. There again my prayer was answered....Anna was my angel this time...I went to Montreal and then Anna drove me to the ashram that evening and then driving back early morning the very next day to go to her work. Yes she was my Saarthi...and as I progress you will see that she has been so again and again..
I was there doing my Blessings course and viola...one cannot ask for anything more as this course I call is the "Zenith of ones search for ones self". I returned just filled with BLISS.
Time was running, I was on and off in pain, mostly dwelling on liquid food. bad bad bad...as I am a foodie...:)...and love to cook as well.
The next event was Guruji's visit to the ashram and I knew I will be there, once again in bliss. Back after that filled with HIS love and the feeling of gratitude there was something which shifted...I got caught in my physical self once again...the pain returned, my chemo was not working, fear crept in (fear as i experienced it 100% was rooted in the worry about the future)..I was mess at one moment and the next moment I could feel meditating at times with open eyes. It was something happening which I didnot take any notice of. Once again in the last week just 3 days before I was to travel to Hartford for Gurupoornima I was admitted in hospital, and this time again, all my mind was filled with was I will go to the Gurupoornima. The night before we were to drive, my angels arrived from montreal, they stayed at my home while I was lying flat with all IV's in the emergency. But at night past midnight I was released...and my labmate -Marie-eve, who always takes care of me, drove me to my home and yuppie there I was traveling the next morning with my angels to Hartford.
At Hartford just being in the presence of my Guru, my guide, my everything, I was back in bliss amidst the time to time pain. I had to get injections...which I carried with me and there it was...Bhartiji, Louise was always there to give it to me. Once again I experience the Grace as always. It was the most amazing time. During the GuruPuja I experience the Gratitude in such bounty that every cell of my body was chanting "Gurur Brahma...Gurur Vishnu....". It was some experience....amazing, wonderful.... AND YES....THIS WAS MY FIRST EVERY GURU-POORNIMA IN THE PHYSICAL PRESENCE OF MY GURU... :)
With this the eventful month of July came to an end. It was a journey of Grace, Gratitude and Bliss I experienced through my physical discomfort. When I saw Mausumi from the point of not being her, I saw her smiling and happy almost every moment. I use almost as there were times when my physical discomfort did take over even though for those moments became smaller and smaller with every passing moments.
The GRACE of my Guru carries me through...and tears of gratitude runs down my cheek at every thought of my love..my GURU...
To be continued......
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Once lost but now I am found
Life is beautiful and varieties make it interesting. As a child we all have heard someone or the other tell us..
"If wealth is lost, nothing is lost
If health is lost, something is lost
If character is lost, everything is lost'.
I heard it for the first time from Ma (mom), who had this usual way of teaching me things about life, while walking with her or while just playing some games. Of these three lines, the last formed a strong pillar and I somehow neglected the first two completely. Fair enough, I abided the third with all devotion.
But there was something else Ma told me:to perform in whatever I do, to excel rather. If I came second she would not scold me but sweetly tell that it meant I flunked by the number of marks. Once again I took her words in all seriousness and put my attention to perform and excel. It seemed so correct to me and from her viewpoint I knew she wanted me to do everything and make a mark for myself. Coming from a middle class family in India, life of a child is all about education and career. There are other things also she taught which I will talk about later.
So where did I get lost... In the run to excel, with time what I accumulated were accolades in grades and along with a huge mountain of stress. Didnot realize that I was walking amidst the path of unhealthy life style, where competition led to wrong thoughts, unhealthy setup of mind as a result accumulation of stress which didnot find any way to vent out. Our body which is like a machine that functions through various pumps, motors, fluid pathways like any other mechanical instrument at the physical level. Stress is like a pressure which creates leaks within the system, resulting the whole mechanical system of the physical body go hay way. Talking in medical terms it is a well known factor that stress increases the secretion of the hormone cortisol and if one looks closer to what it does, increase in cortisol disbalances the whole endocrine system (production of various hormones necessary for our physical body to function) of our body resulting is many diseases. So that is the power of stress.
So that is where I lost. My pump and motor system gave up to stress and made me terminally sick. Such a simple thing to understand but still the medical terms makes it so complicated. I lost but then I found....
I found myself back, the self which is not just the mere physical existence but much beyond. I found myself through the courses I did in Art of Living. I knew theoretically the importance of present moment, but through the course I learnt it at the experiantial level. I knew the power of breathe but once again in theory and the Art of living course , YES!+ etc.. made me learn through my own experience. Such is the power.
Today while I type this I still excel, I do lot more than I ever did before but the burden of stress is not noticeable. The things that would take me few hours to accomplish, today I get it done in much lesser time. My lifestyle when it comes to competing is much more healthier...I donot think I have to excel by pushing others or but not sharing, rather I move forward in whatever task I do taking everyone with me. Where I used to doubt others intention, now I see positive vibes in everyone I meet. Its amazing and at times I wish, had I got this key to the 'success without stress" formula earlier...ha! ha!...But then I got it which is beautiful in itself...
I will continue this in my next post so come back.....
"If wealth is lost, nothing is lost
If health is lost, something is lost
If character is lost, everything is lost'.
I heard it for the first time from Ma (mom), who had this usual way of teaching me things about life, while walking with her or while just playing some games. Of these three lines, the last formed a strong pillar and I somehow neglected the first two completely. Fair enough, I abided the third with all devotion.
But there was something else Ma told me:to perform in whatever I do, to excel rather. If I came second she would not scold me but sweetly tell that it meant I flunked by the number of marks. Once again I took her words in all seriousness and put my attention to perform and excel. It seemed so correct to me and from her viewpoint I knew she wanted me to do everything and make a mark for myself. Coming from a middle class family in India, life of a child is all about education and career. There are other things also she taught which I will talk about later.
So where did I get lost... In the run to excel, with time what I accumulated were accolades in grades and along with a huge mountain of stress. Didnot realize that I was walking amidst the path of unhealthy life style, where competition led to wrong thoughts, unhealthy setup of mind as a result accumulation of stress which didnot find any way to vent out. Our body which is like a machine that functions through various pumps, motors, fluid pathways like any other mechanical instrument at the physical level. Stress is like a pressure which creates leaks within the system, resulting the whole mechanical system of the physical body go hay way. Talking in medical terms it is a well known factor that stress increases the secretion of the hormone cortisol and if one looks closer to what it does, increase in cortisol disbalances the whole endocrine system (production of various hormones necessary for our physical body to function) of our body resulting is many diseases. So that is the power of stress.
So that is where I lost. My pump and motor system gave up to stress and made me terminally sick. Such a simple thing to understand but still the medical terms makes it so complicated. I lost but then I found....
I found myself back, the self which is not just the mere physical existence but much beyond. I found myself through the courses I did in Art of Living. I knew theoretically the importance of present moment, but through the course I learnt it at the experiantial level. I knew the power of breathe but once again in theory and the Art of living course , YES!+ etc.. made me learn through my own experience. Such is the power.
Today while I type this I still excel, I do lot more than I ever did before but the burden of stress is not noticeable. The things that would take me few hours to accomplish, today I get it done in much lesser time. My lifestyle when it comes to competing is much more healthier...I donot think I have to excel by pushing others or but not sharing, rather I move forward in whatever task I do taking everyone with me. Where I used to doubt others intention, now I see positive vibes in everyone I meet. Its amazing and at times I wish, had I got this key to the 'success without stress" formula earlier...ha! ha!...But then I got it which is beautiful in itself...
I will continue this in my next post so come back.....
Saturday, July 31, 2010
The morning sun
I opened my eyes and walked accross the room
Pulled the curtain to see the outside bloom,
What I saw was like a blessed dawn
The valley across filled with the large glowing sun
I didnot have any second thought
Got my yoga mat to do few rounds of sun salutation
It felt so good, as if it all dawned on me
The morning beauty with the glowing sun
Singing to me with the chirpping of the birds
I closed my eyes and could feel
The freshness in the air and my Guru's feet.
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